August 17, 2023
Finding out our child is neurodivergent can bring up all kinds of emotions.
We might feel afraid, sad, stuck. Overwhelmed by too much (or too little) information. We may have no idea where to start.
That’s how I felt when I first discovered I was raising a differently wired child. Now that he’s a young adult, I often find myself thinking, If only I had known this sooner — I would have parented in a much different way!
So I’ve reflected on what I’ve learned over the years about this parenting path and identified 8 key things I wish I’d known from day one.
No time to read? No problem.
If you’re raising a child with neurodevelopmental differences, it’s important to:
- Know that you’re in the driver’s seat when it comes to deciding on goals for your family and how you want to proceed
- Embrace your child’s strengths, since that’s the foundation for all growth
- Prioritize your own self-care and well-being so you have the capacity to show up for your child
1. Give yourself the gift of a pause.
Learning about our child’s unique needs can fill us with a sense of urgency. Many of us get swept up into “fix-it” mode and pressure ourselves to dive into interventions right away.
Instead, take a breath. Push the pause button. Give yourself time to digest new information. When you do, you’ll lower the stress and be better equipped to thoughtfully make choices that align with your family's values.
2. Your child is more than their diagnosis.
It’s easy to view a diagnosis as the “answer” to parenting challenges. But a diagnosis isn’t a blueprint for our kids. It’s not a solution. And it doesn’t define who our child is today or their potential for the future.
What a diagnosis is is context and insight into how our child experiences the world. It can open the door to accommodations in school and insurance coverage for certain types of therapies.
Best of all, it can help us better understand our kids’ gifts and strengths.
3. Find experts you can trust (and remember that YOU are the ultimate expert).
Parents of neurodivergent kids often rely on outside experts to guide us. But sometimes their advice doesn’t mesh with our sense of what’s right for our family.
So what’s a parent to do?
Our families thrive when we find professionals who get to know us, listen to our concerns, respect our experience, and prioritize our goals (not the other way around).
Ultimately, you are the expert in your child. There is no author, parenting coach, or therapist who knows what’s right for your family better than you do.
4. All behavior is communication.
Tricky behavior is often an early clue that a child is neurodivergent. That means the behavior did its job — it communicated needs that aren’t being met or skills that haven’t been developed yet.
As Dr. Mona Delahooke writes in her book Brain-Body Parenting, “What we once understood as misbehavior is now understood as a stress response.”1 Every tantrum, every meltdown, every tear provides us with information about what our child needs right now.
I love this reframe. It allows us to get curious about the underlying reason for the behavior (instead of just looking at the behavior itself) and support for those needs.
5. View our children through a strengths-based lens.
Most parents spend much more energy addressing their child’s challenges or deficits than on identifying and growing their strengths.
What we want to do is flip this around and prioritize those strengths (character strengths, skills, talents), as they create the foundation upon which all growth happens.
In her book The Strength Switch, psychologist Dr. Lea Waters says positively reinforcing children’s strengths primes them to grow in areas of resilience, optimism, academic ability, social engagement, and self-control.2
The bonus? Seeing our children through a strengths-based lens means less conflict and more optimism in daily life.
6. Our mindset is key.
Parents of neurodivergent children usually spend a lot of time worrying. Yet dwelling in fear and anxiety can actually keep us stuck.
By cultivating a mindset of curiosity and possibility, we can parent our extraordinary children with more confidence and hope.
So the next time you’re feeling anxious about some aspect of your child’s life, pause, take a breath, and remind yourself that your child’s story is not written yet. See if you can shift that anxiety into curiosity.
Our children will keep changing, growing, and surprising us. Our job is to show up for who they are right now, and hold on for the ride.
7. Self-care is not optional.
Self-care — intentionally taking action that supports our spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental well-being — is one of the most important things we can do as parents.
After all, how can we have the capacity to meet the demands of parenting if we’re not tending to ourselves?
You get to decide what it looks like, how much time to devote to it, and where and when it happens. But don’t skip it. Even a few minutes every day can keep your reserve tank full, which will help you better respond when challenges arise.
8. You're not alone.
Parenting a differently wired child can be an isolating experience. We may feel like we’re all alone, and that no one really gets what we’re going through.
But the reality is, more than one in five people in the world is neurodivergent. Not only are our families not alone, but we’re in fantastic company.
The key is to find our people, create our village. A village made of parents who truly see and embrace our whole, amazing family.
Parent check-in
How are you feeling? Would you benefit from community?
Parenting a differently wired child can be an isolating experience. We may feel like we’re all alone, and that no one really gets what we’re going through.
But the reality is, more than one in five people in the world is neurodivergent. Not only are our families not alone, but we’re in fantastic company.
The key is to find our people, create our village. A village made of parents who truly see and embrace our whole, amazing family.
1 Delahooke, Mona. 2022. Brain Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids. Harper Wave.
2 Waters, Lea. 2017. The Strength Switch: How the New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish. Avery.
